


Afraid to Love

by ShoulderHolster



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Heartache, Love, M/M, Season 1, The Good Old Days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 16:50:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18370121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShoulderHolster/pseuds/ShoulderHolster
Summary: Ianto has had enough. Will Jack let him go?





	Afraid to Love

**Author's Note:**

> Previously posted on the archive in 2008 under a different username. Info on my profile.

"Oh here she comes, loves young dream."

  
"Nice to see you too, Owen." Gwen refused to rise to the bait. She'd had a wonderful weekend away with Rhys and she was determined to not let anything spoil it – not even Owen.

  
"Ignore him, Gwen. He hasn't had his usual intake of caffeine this morning. It's good to have you back."

  
"Thanks, Tosh. So, how have things been while I have been away?"

  
"Well, we managed to save the world a couple of times, kill a few Weevils, stop an alien virus from mutating the fine people of Cardiff. Oh, and Ianto is denying our lord and master his conjugals'."

  
"Owen!"

  
"What? It's true." He looked towards Gwen. "Ianto has been avoiding Jack like the plague. Don't know why, but I wish they would pack it in. A frustrated Jack is not a pleasant Jack."

  
"Have you quite finished, Owen?" Jack yelled down from the walkway. Owen ignored him but mumbled something unintelligible under his breath before turning back to his computer screen.

  
Jack focused his gaze on the silent figure suddenly busying himself at the coffee machine.

  
"Right. This has gone on long enough. Ianto. Vaults. Now!"

  
Ianto stood, flummoxed for a moment before obediently following him from the room.

  
Owen rubbed his hands. "This is going to be interesting."

  oOo

  
"What the hell have you brought me down here for, Jack? I have work to do."

  
"I need to talk to you – in private."

  
Ianto snickered and looked towards Janet and then up at the security camera. "Private?"

  
Jack followed his gaze and looked at the camera. "Tosh!"

  
Tosh, Owen and Gwen stepped back a little when they realised that Jack was looking directly at them. "OK, Jack," Tosh replied then flipped the switch on her monitor.

  
"Hey! We were just getting to get to the good part."

  
"Oh shut up, Owen." Gwen turned to Tosh. "So, what's been going on? What have they fallen out about?"

  
"Not what, who," stated Owen.

  
Tosh inched closer to Gwen and whispered, "Jack got a little too friendly with one of our alien..." she paused for a moment, unsure as to how she would describe their recent encounter. "Visitors, if you like."

  
"You have to admit, she was beautiful though. Big brown eyes and three enormous t..."

  
"OWEN!" Gwen and Tosh yelled in unison.

  
"I only said..."

  
"Anyway," Tosh interjected, ignoring him. "Jack got a little friendlier than usual and Ianto just flipped. Tore Jack of a strip, walked out and he hasn't spoken a word to him since."

  
"And his coffee is pretty much off the mark too," quipped Owen as he leaned forward to switch Tosh's monitor back on. A slap to the back of his hand stopped him dead. "Ow! What was that for?"

  
"Leave it, Owen. Give them some privacy."

 

oOo

  
Jack crossed his arms and stood expectantly, glaring at a somewhat worried looking Ianto.

  
"So now it's just you and me, Ianto."

  
The Welshman coughed.

  
"Okay, so it's just you, me and Janet, but I think it's unlikely that she'll say anything." He continued to stand, waiting for the silence that had stretched unbearably over the past few days to end. "Well?"

  
"Well what, Jack?"

  
"You know damn well what and I want you to tell me why the performance these last coupla days."

  
" _My_ performance? You don't even realise what you are doing do you? I expect you to flirt, Jack. You always have done and in a way it's all part of the Harkness charm." He stopped for a moment and ran shaky hands through sweat dampened hair. It's now or never, he thought, then continued whilst he had the nerve."It's just how you are and I understand that but do you have to be so bloody blatant about it all the time? You don't have to rub my nose in it you know." Ianto's eyes misted over a little.

  
"Look, Ianto, I never promised exclusivity when we started this thing. Neither did you I might add. Besides it's just a bit of harmless fun."

  
"Harmless? Have you any idea what it does to me every time I watch you walk away with someone else? No, no of course you don't. Because you don't hurt do you, Jack? Well I do, Jack – a lot."

  
"Ianto, I never prom..."

  
"Yeah, I know, you never promised me forever. You never even promised me tomorrow now that I come to think about it. But I need more, Jack." Ianto inhaled deeply, as though summoning up the courage to continue. "I love you." There, he'd said it. Jack didn't reply. He just turned his back on him and stood watching his reflection in an empty cell door. He tensed as Ianto moved closer behind him. Fighting his crumbling resolve Jack finally spoke. "Ianto, I'm really sorry if you feel more than I do but..."

  
"Oh you have never verbalised it, Jack, but I know you do. I know it when we are in bed together, when you make love to me. I'm not as innocent as you might think. Quiet little 'tea boy' Ianto has had sex before you, you know. So believe me, when we are in bed I know that it's not casual for you." Ianto stepped closer. He was physically shaking, terrified of Jack's response but he had to push it just a little bit more. "So what is it that you are afraid of?"

  
Jack closed his eyes tightly. He couldn't look at Ianto right now, not even his reflection. It made it all too real. Afraid? Yeah he was afraid. Afraid of letting go. Afraid of letting himself love Ianto so much that he hurt. How could he explain what it was like to live forever. To love time and time again only to have that love taken away from him. It was cruel. But was he being cruel to Ianto? Ianto loved him so much it was obvious, but how could it be any different this time. He knew it would not last; that he would have to sit back and watch his lover age and die, assuming that the ever present threat on humanity hadn't taken him before then. Could he suffer yet another broken heart?  
"You're right. I am afraid. Afraid of letting myself fall in love with you so deeply that we become one. You are already so much a part of me, Ianto, I couldn't bear it if you were taken away from me. How could I carry on? How could I get up day after day and save the world when you are no longer a part of it. I have loved many over the years, too many I suppose, but I have only ever been in love once before. Then you came along and rocked my world. It was bad enough when I met the Doctor, but you, Ianto Jones are one of a kind. One hell of a kind. So yeah, I love you but it doesn't change anything. I still can't give you more. I'm not that strong."

  
Jack turned and was about to head for the door when Ianto stopped him with a touch to his arm.

  
"So that's it is it? Well I'm sorry, Jack, I'm not prepared to go on like this any more. I hereby tender my resignation. A formal letter will be on your desk by the end of the day."

  
"Don't be ridiculous. You can't just walk away from all this." _From me_ , he added to himself.

  
Ianto ignored him as he brushed past and headed out of the vaults.

  
"You can't just walk away from Torchwood that easily, Ianto. IANTO! Damn it!" Jack slammed his fists against Janet's cell door, causing the Weevil to step back and cower in the corner.

  
Jack chased after him and grabbed him roughly by the arms before pushing him back against the wall. The unexpected contact forced Ianto to cry out, but he didn't move, didn't protest. It was as though all the fight had drained from him. They both stood motionless for several minutes. The only sound that of their combined heavy breathing. Jack pushed closer and tightened his grip on what he was sure were already bruised arms. Ianto held firm.

"You can Retcon me all you want, Jack, but you'll still be left with the memories of what you once had; of what we shared. But I will carry on with my life. Find a little job in a little office, in a little town somewhere in the middle of obscurity...but you...you will have to carry on day after day, year after year screwing whatever willing alien or human that comes your way. You can go on breaking hearts while you remain immune. But answer me this, Jack, will you be happy? Can you be truly happy living your life like that? So empty, so cold, pushing people away until all that is left is an empty shell of an existence." He'd said his piece and although it was not the reaction from Jack that he had hoped for, he was relieved that he had told him how he felt. It was out in the open now however things turned out.

  
Jack released his grip and let Ianto go without saying a word. He had known for sometime that Ianto's feelings for him - and indeed his own for Ianto - had grown stronger, yet he still continued their relationship. He had been asking for trouble but was loathe to do anything about it. After several moments of quiet contemplation he headed for the hub.

  
"Enjoy the show, Owen?" Jack could hardly contain his annoyance at the doctor. At least he had the decency to look guilty. Jack waved off his attempt at a half-hearted apology. "Where's Ianto?" he added.

  
Tosh spoke up. "He said he had a few things to do and that he would be back in a couple of hours. What's going on, Jack?”

  
"Nothing that I can't sort out with a bit of grovelling and few well placed kisses." His flippancy was not as convincing as he had hoped, for Tosh looked at him sympathetically and Gwen put a gentle hand on his shoulder. The team – well Gwen and Tosh at least- had known for sometime that Jack and Ianto's relationship was more than just sex, possibly even before Jack himself had realised. His shoulders slumped a little and he walked towards his office. "Tell him I want to speak to him as soon as he gets back please, Tosh."

  
"Of course, Jack."

  
Ianto returned as promised a couple of hours later, resignation in hand and walked directly into Jack's office. He placed the envelope onto the desk without a word and turned to walk back out.

  
"Wait! Please, Ianto. Can we talk about this?"

  
"What is there to talk about, Jack?" He indicated the envelope on the desk before continuing. "I will work my notice of course and I will only do the tasks assigned to me and that does not include sex with the boss. Is that clear?"

  
Jack was astonished at Ianto's outburst. He stood immediately and insinuated himself directly in front of the younger man. Ianto tried to step back but found that his legs were unwilling to comply.

  
"No, it is not clear, Ianto," he replied as he took a hold once again of the Welshman's arms. "This whole mess is so not clear. What is clear is that I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to leave me. Stay. Please."

  
"I can't, Jack. It hurts too much that I can't be with you – all of you." He placed his hand over Jack's heart to emphasise his point and he was surprised to feel it beating so fast. He looked up into Jack's eyes and he could see something there that he had never seen before: fear. Jack was genuinely scared and it almost moved him to tears. He desperately fought the urge to reach up and caress his beautiful face. His hand moved a fraction before he clenched his fist defiantly against his side. "I can't, I'm sorry," he choked out before attempting to move from Jack's embrace. Jack held firm.

  
"Stay with me, Ianto. All of me, for however long we have. Not just as my employee, not just as my friend but also as my lover. My boyfriend!" he laughed a little in embarrassment at what he had just said but felt immense relief and a surge of hope at the small smile that tugged on Ianto's lips.

  
"I want you to stay here," he gestured around his office and towards the hub with his arms then took a hold of Ianto's hands and placed them firmly over his chest. "And most importantly, I want you to stay here, in my heart where you belong – where you have always belonged."

  
Ianto's tears were flowing freely now. He wanted to speak, to say something profound but he was so overcome at Jack's display of emotion that the words just would not come.

  
"You are the one important part of my life that I can count on without question, Ianto. I don't deserve your love, or your loyalty but I am going to try my damnedest to earn both from now on. That is, if you'll let me."

  
"Of course I'll let you, you daft..." he couldn't continue for he was sobbing now. He just leaned into Jack's embrace.

  
"I **do** love you, Ianto Jones. I'll always love you."

  
"So I take it that you are not accepting my resignation then?" he asked when his tears subsided a little.

  
"Hell no!" Jack replied as he swept the envelope into the waste paper bin before sweeping Ianto into arms.

  
"That's good. I'd hate to have to actually write it."

  
"What? Why you sly little...little...Welshman you."

  
"Hey! I'll have less of the little if you don't mind. After all as a wise man once said, 'measuring tapes never lie.'"

[ ](http://imgbox.com/iRce2cUN)


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